Don’t we always tell our young people that we don’t want them to make the same mistakes we did? Don’t we always make it a point to move towards making life better for the generation that will follow us? With the recent debate, at times heated, over to use or not to use Auto-Tune made so popular in recent years by T-Pain, the age old fight over the place of the pioneers in the game comes to life. Auto-Tune is a proprietary audio processor created by Antares Audio Technologies that uses a phase vocoder to correct pitch in vocal and instrumental performances. It is usually used to disguise inaccuracies and mistakes, and has allowed many artists to produce arguably better sounding and tuned recordings. In terms of hip hop it is used as an effect to deliberately distort the voice.
Recent Twitter exchanges have become drag out fights on “letting the younger kids eat” followed by a stern “Shut the F@#% up!” to the older cats who are engaged in this dialog over the use of the technology. Even exchanges saying that any “pioneer” who finds themselves performing on a Tom Joyner Cruise has lost the respect of those in the industry have surfaced. But the Ladies Room asks this: are one hit wonder acts of late going to be doing Tom Joyner cruises in ten years? Will older folks be anywhere in five years doing the Stanky Leg, Halle Berry, and Supermanning a Hoe? And our next question is are these old schoolers doing these cruises for free? We are sure the answer is no to all of the above. So who makes out better? The kid who ate well for one sitting, or the old schooler who continues to provide a comfortable life for their families? We all saw how Hammer turned out after eating well for so long as well as quite a few reality show participants and many others who saw fame and fortune dwindle at the hands of change in the industry. Its not only about keeping ahead of the curve but also avoiding overkill. It wasn’t used on every other song during the era of Roger and Teddy Riley. So many examples of greed and mismanagement are out there for the reference and should have been a lesson to the younger folks to get out there and create rather than jump on the bandwagon. Yes the James Brown samples come to mind in the late 80’s early 90’s and some of those pioneers are struggling to keep ends met even now. So why make such a big deal about this generation? Our question is why are we allowing them to repeat an almost certain financial disaster history?
It is possible that some of the “older folk” complaining are heated that these young cats are making a killing on such technology – but what may have fueled the saltiness for many more are the younger cats dismissing those who have done already what they are claiming to have created. Remember the KRS1 feud with Nelly’s comment about old school artists and the songs that flew after that exchange? Going back even further, the Kool Moe Dee and LL Cool J dispute? We all must admit that there would be no apple pie without first having the apple. Maybe pioneers even feel like the Black dude who created the filament that Edison used to create the lightbulb…yet Edison gets all the credit. Notice I said Black dude instead of his name? He wasn’t given his just due at the time it was important to recognize his contribution. Who is to say that Hip Hop would even be here now if not for the pioneers? Chances are it wouldn’t.
So back to the point at hand: Not all of the opponents of Auto-Tune are “jealous” of the cake flying in from it’s use. In fact, some “older folks” are basically trying make sure the younger generations learn “how to fish” instead of catching and eating one good meal than looking for another once it’s gone. Why be hungry while you search for another opportunity – or better yet, someone else’s invention on which you can ride it’s coat tail? Especially when you can search the lessons of the pioneer, old school “older folk” who are sitting pretty on a cruise and doing shows here and there because they want to – not because they have to. Take notes on how they ground that one first meal into fertilizer to grow more for later. The younger generation needs to realize it’s okay to be the students of the game – or you’ll end up being the ones cleaning up the venue when the gig is over.
What are your thoughts?
“I hit the bottom, there ain’t nowhere else to go but up
Bad days at work, give you an attitude then you were rough
And take it out on me but that’s about enough
You put your hands on me again I’ll put your ass in handcuffs
I guess I fell so deep in love I grew dependency
I was too blind to see just how it was affecting me
All I knew was you, you was all the man I had
And I was scared to let you go, even though you treated me bad
But I don’t want my kids to see me getting beat down
By daddy smacking mommy all around
You say I’m nothing without ya, but I’m nothing with ya
A man don’t really love you if he hits ya
This is my notice to the door, I’m not taking it no more
I’m not your personal whore, that’s not what I’m here for
And nothing good gonna come to ya til you do right by me
Brother you wait and see (Who you calling a bitch?)”
Queen Latifah – U.N.I.T.Y.
Given the new light shed on this subject with the Rihanna/Chris Brown saga, I feel it is important to re-post this blog. New 2008 statistics show a 42 percent increase in violence against women in this country and a 25 percent increase in rapes and sexual assaults. It should also be noted that men suffer abuse at the hands of women as well though those numbers are lower. I am sure that is because of the ridicule and skepticism men face when or if they report it. Whatever your situation, get help immediately. There are places that can help you put the pieces of your life back together again…
A post in Allhiphop.com by Nolan Strong states that Queen Pen (A Party Ain’t a Party, I Got Cha) will be joined by writer/journalist Kevin Powell and others in a town hall meeting to discuss Violence among African Americans. Queen’s take deals with the issue of domestic violence against women. She was recently a victim in May when her boyfriend attacked her in her Brooklyn apartment according to reports. I know every good reporter is supposed to use the word allegedly until it is proven; however, I have been a victim of the same in the past. The use of the word allegedly in a case of domestic violence doesn’t always wash with me. Do some women lie? Of course they do. But I find that to be a rare occurrence in extreme instances. I have, however, learned how easy it is for the guilty party to turn the tables on the victim and spin a web of deceit to make the victim “look” like they were actually in the wrong in an effort to cover up the what they know will be embarrassing in the eyes of their immediate circle. You see, abusers are sometimes extremely charming and cunning to the point that those around them would never believe they could be capable of such a horrific act as hurting a women. The human nature in us says “she MUST have done SOMETHING to make him do that.”
I often blast that Queen Latifah song – which is why I opened with it. My other favorites are “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John (which is tatted on my arm) and “Stand Back” by Stevie Nicks. These are part of my pick me up songs when I feel myself slipping. I recently went through an ordeal where a lawyer for the opposing party asked the question most of us who have been abused fear – because we have no believable answer – “If it was so bad, why then did you go back?” I guess you have to experience it to understand. Lawyers are very good at trying to make you look like you were a whore or neglectful of your children when really all you were doing was trying to make a broken winged bird fly. Again – “its the victim’s fault” when she doesn’t leave and stay gone. We believe he will change, we believe the glass sincerity, we believe “things will be different this time.” My mother always says – a leopard never changes his spots.
While reading the All hip-hop post – what was more interesting were the comments that followed. I’m still amazed that even after people read some facts about domestic abuse – it is still the woman’s fault. “She shouldn’t be acting like she is so hood then complain that she got beat down.” What?!?! Then there was a comment about if it happens to you twice, shame on you. So, strong women I guess should be able to scrap with a man twice maybe three times her size? The only way to do that successfully will put you in jail for murder or attempted at best. I’ve always been taught that if you can’t beat them, and you can’t get away – pick something up. Nonetheless, every 6 hours a female is murdered at the hands of her abuser. Moreover, abuse spans over more than one definition. A man doesn’t have to be physically hitting you for you to be an abused woman. What doesn’t help is the court system doesn’t have a firm grip on the classic components of abuse let alone the expanded classifications. A man gets more jail time for abusing an animal than he does for rape or physical abuse against a woman.
I recently watched an Oprah episode where a woman had been doused with gasoline and set afire by her husband who she was trying to leave. The woman was at work and the entire ordeal was caught by the security camera. I fear if it hadn’t, all the guy would have had to say was it wasn’t him. She had just been in court and tried to keep a restraining order in place (that – get this – the husband put in for even though HE was stalking her) but the judge dismissed because the husband dropped the complaint/suit – he was the plaintiff. The woman attempted to plead with the judge to keep the restraint in place because he was threatening to kill her. As she tried to speak, he kept saying the case was dismissed and he would hear nothing further. This too was caught on audio tape. It is hard to listen to. What I think the woman was not aware of was she could have filed a restraining order herself and had it reinstated to protect her. I feel her pain ten times over. I was asked why I did not do the same – by virtually every official that heard my story. My concern? The stress it would put on my child. You see, abused women also do not put themselves first – ever. It is just too easy to figure us out.
At the risk of sounding like a basket case (and having my significant other run the other way) I went through counseling most of my life (verbally abusive step-father and he was an alcoholic, two abusive relationships of my own, my father abused my mother – see the pattern?) and revisited it recently to keep my sanity through my legal battles. The one thing my counselor said was dangerous about me – I’m not afraid of anything. I see warning signs and ignore them because they don’t phase me. This may not necessarily be the case with most women but that is my issue. I have, however, learned to pay attention when others get extremely concerned instead of dismissing their views and observations. She also woke me up to one thing: I have two girls who are watching my every move. It’s time to break the cycle.
Back to the Oprah episode – she stated something that is so true. You get warnings that something really bad will happen if you don’t get out. You might get a nudge, then a thump on the head, then a push. If you haven’t gotten the message by then – you get a monster of a wake-up call. For some women, that call comes too late and it then serves as a warning to others like the strange fruit hanging from those southern trees. Remember the chill when you’ve seen it? Yes that is a drastic comparison – but drastic times call for drastic measures. Nothing in this life happens by coincidence. Nothing.
That said, I got on Allhiphop.com today to find some news to blog about – and for the fourth time this month, the first thing I see is about domestic violence. I believe I am supposed to be addressing this issue. I can empathize with women in this position. I’m here to tell you not to believe the hype: there should be no pain in your quest for love. You are beautiful, you are worthy of love, you are strong, and you will make it through. LEAVE! Yes – I’m talking to YOU.
For HELP: http://www.ndvh.org/
(PLEASE know that this site and all sites can be monitored by outside sources – if you think you are being stalked by computer and YES it does happen – pay attention to the pop-up window that appears when you log on to this site) or call1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
The town hall meeting mentioned previously, takes place this Monday (July 14) at the Brown Memorial Baptist Church in Brooklyn, and will address black male on black male violence as well. Doors to the event, which is free to the public, open at 6:30, while the discussion begins at 7:00 PM.
If you aren’t sure if you are abused, check this out (This helped me to wake up!)
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
- Embarrass you with put-downs?
- Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
- Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
- Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
- Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
- Make all of the decisions?
- Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
- Prevent you from working or attending school?
- Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
- Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
- Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
- Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
- Force you to try and drop charges?
- Threaten to commit suicide?
- Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
((((NOTE: the original author from now-now-now contacted me to clarify that the blog entry actually refers to cheating on blogging by tweeting not a human cheating on another human. I got that after I posted but was too lazy to correct it 🙂 Anyway – click on the rest of the article (after you read mine of course) and read the rest of the entry. It was a very interesting reading.)))))))
I found this entry on a blog [taken from http://now-now-now.blogspot.com/2008/12/ive-been-cheating-on-you-blogger-with.html%5D while googling something totally different (I was having a bout of insomnia tonight ) :
MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2008
I’ve been cheating on you, Blogger. With Twitter.
“I have a confession to make, Google Blogger: I’ve been cheating on you. Sometimes I just don’t have time for what our relationship requires. Yet, I still have needs. That’s when I turn to Twitter for a quickie.”
This caught The Ladies Room eye as Twitter has been a huge issue for couples lately that I’ve heard about. At first I thought it was cute – a story about a girl cheating by “Tweeting” because she gets no attention from the boyfriend (I assume) but then I got to thinking…how many times has what some view as harmless flirtation, actually turned into the real thing? And how many times has there been a significant other in the dark about the whole situation? I mean – how can you possibly get caught? Although Twitter has this huge open room where everyone sees what you type, there is also the option of sending direct messages to the person so no one sees the exchange. Kind of like a strip club, or that Trapeeze place, right? I, uh, mean so I’ve heard.
But men tend to under estimate the power of a female network.
Though the significant other in the dark may not know the flirtee on the end of the flirter’s admiration – Twitter is a big place where folks intertwine and there are sometimes only 6 degrees of separation among the ” Twitterees”. And women DO talk. What is good about the “women network” is whether its for good intentions or because they can’t stand your ass – somebody will tell and turn on the light in the dark room real quick.
See, men and women on Twitter have to be more careful about who they get “Twitterifically” comfortable with since, just like internet dating, you really don’t know this person. So sometimes cyber flirtation, turns into a vehicle with no brakes and someone gets hurt really bad. The sad part is, we tend to forget that news travels fast once those degrees of separation begin to shrink in size.
The Ladies Room has to wonder if those who “Twitterflirt” will feel it was all worth it in the end should they lose their significant other? There are better ways to have adventure in your life without dragging someone’s heart through the mud to get to the possible moment of green grass on the other side. All you have to do is cultivate the grass you already have and it grows lush and green and healthy. Isn’t it a woman’s desire to be respected and loved but most of all – cherished? Flirting so blatantly with another woman destroys any hope of that desire ever being realized.
So there you have it … Twittering and Tweeting on Twitter while tangled in a two-some turned threesome can get pretty Twitter Tricky especially when one partner has no idea someone else has been invited to the party.
BE TRUE TO YOUR MATE – even flirting can hurt…and you never know who’s watching! Isn’t life so Big Brother-esque Twitter-fabulous?
You never want to believe that title of “Jealous Person” belongs to you. A recent conversation with my youngest brother had me taking that inventory on myself. I never thought that I was the type who would be jealous of anything or anyone. No one has anything that I want – and isn’t that the root of all jealousy? Someone wanting something someone else has feeling like they themselves are lacking in that department? Apparently not so.
I started to do the Google thing – my main source of information these days. I found a very interesting post. It is very possible to have an issue with jealousy not because you feel inadequate, but because being raised in an environment of uncertainty and insecurity of any kind will make you feel off-balance. If you never get your footing in that area by the time you become an adult – a subtle mistrust of anyone who comes your way begins to ensue and take residence.
I have a clipping from a Dear Abby article my mother gave me when I was 19: I stick by it no matter what: “Plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers…” very wise words. But you can’t control human nature from wanting someone to bring you a rose every now and then or at least once. Another line in the article said “…kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises…” – more words of wisdom I tend to follow. But again, the mind and the heart never seem to be in concert with one another in matters such as these. I used to go to a psychologist who asked me to try certain ways of thinking to help me feel comfortable with the thought of trusting someone. She stopped herself in one session and said “I’m asking you to do something you have never experienced which makes it impossible for you to do…”. You can’t trust if you don’t know what trust feels like.
So what does this have to do with jealousy you ask? You can believe all you want that you are not that type of person – but sometimes no matter how hard you try to convince yourself you aren’t – your actions dictate otherwise. I always just go get whatever I want – dare I say whomever I want as well. But most times I’m not really looking for anyone anyway – they tend to find me. Because I feel I am deserving – I expect to be first and foremost in a significant other’s life. When that doesn’t happen, feelings that I had back when I was a shorty come rushing to the surface. So you see I’m not jealous because there is another person in the picture, but because I’m not first. As a kid, I was set to the side for many reasons…many of them extremely justified (I had to wait because my mother had to work overtime, I had to wait because Dad was busy living his life, I was last because someone else needed more than me at the time, and so on) Might seem complicated to some, but it’s rather elementary. When a person has the carpet snatched from under them too many times once they have become comfortable, they tend to become very territorial of their space and those in it. So what does one do about that? Are there sometimes instances where you are just doomed because you are too far in it to change? My only canvas I have to work with is me. But my question is are you a jealous person if you just expect to be treated like a queen? My father – rest his soul – once said in jest that “no man will ever treat you like your daddy does” and I’m seeing he was so right. I’m finding that now that he is gone – I might be looking for a man to fill his shoes and they are just too big for anyone’s foot to touch the tip of the shoe. And possibly – anyone coming near my “territory” has me on lock and load.
All this to say jealousy has many different roots and no one should just assume that it stems from only the presence of the opposite sex. The bud of the flower of jealousy might also have deep roots in a bed of reason no one can begin to understand. A significant other has to be willing to continue to water those roots until they become strong and intwined in the earth they seek to call home.
(information for this post was found at http://www.2knowmyself.com/insecurity/feeling_insecure )
The Ladies Room is running full steam ahead! Look for the video blog to post soon… but for now, here is a link to the show… DiRadiocast.com
We are on our 5th volume and it looks like it will be an interesting season! Stay tuned…
Is there a possibility that there can be a combination of disrespect and love at the same time in a relationship? I just sat up with a couple of friends of mine who helped me debate this topic – Ladies Room style! I think that question bears an obvious answer but what we debated is this: why do women constantly believe that a man loves them when he so freely wails small doses of disrespect around? I’ve heard men say “well at least I didn’t do …” x, y, z and somehow we are supposed to be grateful. Sometimes it’s even right in our faces and we choose to believe we are in love and he “didn’t mean it because he always plays like that.”
I found myself in tears – mostly from laughing so hard – but a couple of times because if you have true friends, they give you the bitter pill of reality rather than the sugar coated fantasy world through rose colored glasses. We came up with these 10 questions (scaled down from 27) – and though we heavily debated them, we are going to leave it up to you to comment on whether it is disrespect or a mountain out of a molehill. The Ladies Room on DiRadiocast.com ran a show talking about the subject with special guest Rahiem Shabazz from Rasha Entertainment. We are going to poll ladies on what they feel is disrespect from a man (and guys, yes, I realize this happens in the reverse so by all means post your comments as well to wake some of our lady friends up).
DISCLAIMER: I started NOT to make this post. Too many of what my friends mentioned might hit too close to home for some. It might make those close to me think I’m speaking about them…though my issues triggered the conversation – it is no way directed at anyone I know. But if this post makes you feel a little uncomfortable, wellllllllllll – I have some mirrors if you need em’ 😉 What?
ARE THESE DISRESPECTFUL?
Question # 1 – When a man/women is out in public with you and allows other women/man friends to greet him/her in a “very friendly or familiar” manner in your presence?
Question #2 – When a man/woman allows another woman/man to push you to the side (not literally) or carry on a conversation forever pretending you don’t exist or you aren’t standing there? (can be in person or through telephone conversations) Flipside: Should the “girlfriend” invite herself into the conversation?
Question #3 – When Your partner talks about your sex life together in front of other people?
Question #4 – When a man shoves or pushes you – because after all, he didn’t actually HIT you? (Whoa…see the last post if that has happened to you!)
Question #5 – When a man doesn’t open the door for you, wait for you, pull out your chair, or “check for you” at parties, clubs, or restaurants?
Question #6 – When your partner (serious relationship – almost married that is) has a key and comes to the house without calling first?
Question #7 – When your partner totes himself/herself as single or takes the proverbial “don’t ask don’t tell” approach.
Question #8 – Your partner treats you like what you have/want to do isn’t really that important and can wait.
Question #9 – Compares you to other people.
And finally, Question #10 – Doesn’t bring you home to meet the parents or avoids allowing friends to meet you…
Inquiring minds really want to know…
So there is no real formula I’m following and I don’t even have any advice for those who might be experiencing those situations listed. But one thing I do know, is you have to follow your heart. Sometimes people don’t realize that what they are doing is disrespectful because no one ever told them they were acting in that manner. On the other hand, someone could be taking a small non-gesture to seriously. Either way, the Ladies Room stands firmly on the question TI poses in “Why You Wanna” – “…is you happy?” 🙂
You hear it all over – men in general tend to have serious health problems because they avoid doctors until something is seriously wrong and they have no other recourse but to have to head to get help. I know I mention it often but I lost my father to possible lack of health care. It wasn’t that he didn’t have access – he just never felt like he had to go to the doctor unless something was wrong. As he got older he went more often, but it’s possible that it was too late.
The death of both Bernie Mack and Issac Hayes were shockers. Not to say either wasn’t healthy, but it did bring light to the alarming ages in which African American men are dying. The number of men is just as staggering.
No need to reinvent the wheel for wake up calls – just visit the blog page of Rahiem Shabazz and check out the Reid Report on the subject. I’ve tacked on a handy dandy link for your surfing pleasure!